The dream I had last night was one of those “dream-within-a-dream” things (Not quite Inception) but rather, it was a “nightmare-within-a-nightmare,” something that I have never experienced myself.

I will not comment on the first nightmare in my dream, for personal reasons. But after I awaken from this first nightmare in my dream, a real horror we can all understand begins to unfold, a nightmare with most beautiful imagery, I believe.

I awaken from the nightmare, and once I understand it was only a dream, I come back to my full senses. I am in my bed. My room is eerily accurate, even to be a dream. This felt nothing like a dream, rather, it felt like I was awake. I look to the corner of my room, where I have a clutter of amps and guitars. My room was dark, and the sun had yet to rise. But through the calm, still, black  that filled my room, I could make out a shape that stood in front of my dim-lit window. It was not the usual shape my guitar case makes against my window, no, it had been replaced with a much larger, seemingly human shape. I let out a scream.

My hand immediately goes for the lamp that’s placed beside my bed. As I click it on, I wished that I hadn’t. What stood in my room was no less than a demon. The demon’s name was Addiction. He stood there immobile. He had no skin, he was simply comprised of muscles. The tendons and muscle were not visible, however, because Addiction was covered and dripping in vibrant, red blood. It’s left eye was missing while the other shown white, piercing through the red. The demon stood frozen as if it was in mid-step toward my bed. I look to my bedside table and see my cell phone. As I begin to reach for it, I see Addiction begin to move out of the corner of my eye. I quickly glance up at him, and he pauses once again. I glance over to my bedroom door, to check that it was open for an easy getaway. It is not. Addiction begins to move once again, but is turned immobile again when I set my eyes on him. (I said “Addiction,” not “Weeping Angel”).

At this point, I wake up from my nightmare[s] with a loud gasp for air. My room is much lighter now that I’ve woken up, and the corner of my room holds no bloody demon. My initial thought is that some dark entity had come upon me during my slumber. It was the only logical explanation for such gripping horror to come to me. The fear I felt had to be supernatural, for I had never felt such a fear. But then a thought came to me.

Addiction does not control people, Addiction simply finds the vulnerability within a human being and extracts that. With that vulnerability brought forth, Addiction makes us do whatever he wants us to do because at this point, Addiction is so much more powerful than we are… especially when we are attacked in our weakness. The Bible, however, tells us that God is a God that delivers. Even when we feel weak, even when Addiction is coming for us in our own, nightmarish bedroom, God delivers.

God delivers us from our addictions.

Only this time it was a nightmare, an absolutely horrifying nightmare. I woke up crying, praying, and begging it might not be true. But then the Lord gives me assurance, and then I see the message in the dream, and it’s something He has been trying to tell me for a long time.

God writes really, really good nightmares. Absolutely terrifying things. Do not ever doubt that. The piss is still scared out of me, and it has been an hour since I woke up. Needless to say, God got His point to me. Wow.

All doubt aside, God truly is The Horror Master. (So therefore, John Carpenter is undeserving of the name.)

I just can’t take it anymore.
But when I pray to God and He takes it all away and those problems become so small and worthless. Times when you can just sit in silence and be surrounded by the endless love God has for you, it’s the moments like this that give me a reason to wake up in the mornings and live another day. Without God in my life, I really could not go on. I am powerless on my own.

If you keep up with my blog at all, you may know that I have been a bit hardened to love, relationships, romance, and basically anything sappy. This is due to, yeah, you guessed it, heartbreak.

But I’ve been listening to a lot of Destroy Nate Allen lately and they have a few songs that are a bit on the mushy side (it is a husband-wife duo, after all) and they seem to have softened me up a bit. Quite a bit, actually.

Just the other day I read a quote from C.S. Lewis that said “If you love deeply, you’re going to get hurt badly. But it’s still worth it.” It hit me hard. It’s ignorant and selfish to be so hardened to relationships like I have been. I may not have made it as evident, but inside, I was absolutely disgusted and turned away by everything that was even slightly romantic and sappy. But I think Destroy Nate Allen must’ve slipped me a few subliminal messages about it all.

Yes, at the dawn of last year I experienced a horrible, despairing heartbreak. Why? Well, because I was in love, and the relationship did not work out. When you love someone, you become very vulnerable. You’re opening yourself up to another person, just as those monsters on Resident Evil open themselves up to be blasted to bits. Anyways, love is a dangerous risk. But it is also the most amazing feeling that you’ll ever feel.

Relationships with a guy/girl can be closely compared to the relationship we are offered with God. At first, we can be very thick-headed, but when (or if you ever) do decide to open up to God, many can testify, there is nothing better in the whole wide world.

Some of us go through heartbreaks in relationships, and some of us never experience it. When a heartbreak occurs it is always for a specific reason. Some of us might not know what that reason is for months, years, and sometimes we may never know. But just because we don’t know the reason, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. God is much bigger than us, and His mind is much more divine than ours, that is why we call Him God. And God will never put you through something (like a heartbreak) that you cannot handle, and He will not ever put you through something without there being a purpose. The same goes for when we get ourselves into stuff that we shouldn’t be in, God turns our mistakes around and utilizes them for His advantage.

Anyways, what I’m trying to say is that God is divine, and Destroy Nate Allen writes good songs.

I struggle with a lot of stuff in life, and often I give into temptation and sin. The agony is unbearable at times, but it’s never too long before I’m reminded of someone who took that agony away from me. He bore all of my failures so that I could live freely and use the remaining life I’ve got for His purpose. Jesus Christ has redeemed me; He’s brought me back to life. Not only has He restored me, but He’s also brought true freedom to my life. I am living proof that such a savoir exists. He exists within me. He strengthens me. If it were not for Him, I could not go on from day to day. This same savior is here for the least of us all. He’s here for murderers, prostitutes, sex addicts, drug addicts, homosexuals, and anyone else. His love and forgiveness knows no limits, He will never reject you. In fact, it’s the rejected that He earnestly desires. No matter how many people hate you, no matter how many people tie you to a stake and burn you alive, Jesus Christ is always standing watch and waiting for you with arms wide open. Broken, wretched, dirty, heartbroken, and abandon, Christ is the cure to all.

I mess up a lot, I fall away from God a lot, and I sin an awful lot. Sometimes I am absolutely broken. But there are no words to describe the amazing moment when I, once again, am restored by Christ.

Sometimes, my relationship with God just feels so real. I’m not saying I doubt or anything. I’m just saying that sometimes, God just seems more real than others. It’s as if He’s not just ‘the big man upstairs that I pray to,’ but He’s actually like a Father to me. When I most need it, God is always there for me and that never fails. The relationship I have with Him, it’s just so real. Sometimes it’s just as real as if someone were sitting right beside me. Nights like that really prove to me that God is real and that He is very much alive. Nights like that help affirm the love that God does have for me.

I’m posting this simply because I can’t stand to keep quite about how great of a God I serve, and I’m posting this in hopes that you might read it. Maybe it will encourage you to pick back up with your faith if you’ve been stagnant for a while. Maybe it will open your eyes to see that God is really more than just some sort of religious figure. Maybe this will just sound absolutely stupid to you, and I’m okay with that.

This is a story I wrote. A story that I think we all need to hear.

I stepped into the darkness and felt a disfigured hand grab hold of my ankle. It starts to pull at me. A 2^nd hand joins in, no, not just a 2^nd but a 3^rd and 4^th as well! I scream at the top of my lungs as I am pulled into the darkened void, helpless. I hear voices now. I feel the touch of some being that is less human than it is beast. This beast in its presence alone can destroy any sense of hope. Through all of this I see nothing, nothing but darkness.

“God, my God, why have you forsaken me? I ask for comfort, but the almighty God of the universe, you do not give me comfort! I ask for strength and hope, but you do not grant me either! God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” I cry out, only hoping to be heard.

I continue to hear voices, though I cannot make out a word. I feel deformed hands upon me. They scratch at me. They break the skin; it burns, oh, how it burns! I am left alone, left to die. My eyes close and I feel the world and all its burdens slip away from me. If ever I was dead, the moment was now.

The quiet, the calm.

The darkness, the peace.

My eyes open. There is a light, a blinding light. My eyes are extremely sensitive, but after a while, they adjust to the brightness. I notice where I am –my room, lying in my bed. The morning sun is shining through my window.

“Oh, child of Mine, you lack faith that you so desperately need. I am God. I answer to no one. But everything, it answers to Me. Even the devils themselves, they answer to Me. You cried out to Me and I did not come on your time, rather, I came on Mine. You did not get it your way, therefore you claim that you were forsaken by the very God who made you, as well as the heavens. I am the same God today that I was yesterday. And I will be the same God tomorrow. I will never forsake you. I do not lie. I delivered you from your oppressors. I delivered you safely back to the world that you know. Now, you of little faith, I have taught you this so that you may never forget. I will continue to have My hand upon you through all, even when you doubt that I do. You are my child. You are my creation. I love you.”

I hear a voice say this, and it is the most joyful, calming thing to ever brush my ears. Though not as much as my ears as my weary, restless heart. This voice brings peace to my heart, and calms my raging soul. This moment: beautiful and flawless. And through this may I never doubt the power of the Lord ever again.  And through this, may my faith grow. I will serve my God forever and ever. Though I fail, I will continue to serve my God forever and ever.

—kyleromain