My grandmother asked me to go play guitar at a church with her, it’s a special service honoring those who have fought in the military, and by holding this service, it’s a way to give back to them because they have “done so much for us.”

I declined playing for them if course. Because 1) I don’t like war and I see nothing good about a man killing another man, no matter the situation. And 2) I don’t like church.

Yes, a Christian who doesn’t like church; we exist.

So my grandfather passed away this week. It hasn’t been hard on me, but some of my family has had a rough time. Especially my grandmother.

But last night I spoke to her and she told me, “you’re one if the reasons I want to keep living.”

No one has ever said anything like that to me. I never realized I meant so much to anyone.

I lust not after women, but after 2 disc special editions of my favorite movies.

As a high school student, I remember having high hopes and aspirations. I remember being eager to graduate, one because I hated school, which is the main reason, but also because I had dreams that I wanted to fulfill.

I have been a high school graduate for a year, just one year, and the world has crushed all I once thought.

I went to college for that year, and hated it. I met people I love, and I learned more outside of the classrooms and this all kept it from being anything but a waste of time and money. But as far as pursuing an education, I see it being worthless to me. Especially since I have no clue what I want to do in life.

I’ve dabbled in this and that and have found a little bit of talent in a few things, but all are viewed as worthless in a real world scenario. I’m an honest man who meets none of the criteria of any job specifications, and the thought of beating someone out in competition for a job (if that ever happens) is very selfish to me.

I’m trying to remain hopeful about my future, but it’s really hard.

So I seriously think I’m going to quit school and find a job. I just don’t like school and I’m no good at it. It’s really expensive, and I don’t see me going anywhere with it. I know everyone says the job market sucks, but I know I’ll have better luck than trying to get through school.

Besides, I feel like school sucks out all of my motivation for creativity. I’ve already had 12 years of it, I cannot take it any longer.

What if I dropped out of college?

I might be like the rest of my family that never finished college. But at least I would be free. And freedom means so much more to me than a degree with no job security. I could read, I could write, I could draw, and I could create all I want without tests and studying to hold me back. I don’t want to wait for my future. I want to venture into it now. College is just not for me. And if I never come back, know that I’m happiest without it.

I was reading Judges 19 the other night. To better understand this, I would just suggest you read the passage itself, however, I’ll attempt at giving you a short overview.

It’s about a Levite and his concubine. She was unfaithful to him and she ran off and didn’t come back. Four months later, the Levite goes to his father-in-law’s home (the father of the concubine) to fetch her and bring her back. With him he brings his servant and his two donkeys. After staying several nights with his father-in-law, the Levite, his servant, the concubine, and the two donkeys head back to their home. They stopped in a town square to camp out, because nobody would take them in for the night. But then a local comes up to the group and urges them not to sleep in the town square, and invites them to stay at his home. They accept.

Once they arrived at the home and started to eat dinner, they hear a rather angry knock upon the door. It’s the wicked villagers of the surrounding town. They ask the local man to send out the Levite so they may have sex with him. The local responds by offering up his virgin daughter instead. The men decline the offer. Then, the Levite offers up his concubine, they accept her. She’s thrown into the mob of angry villagers, from sun down to sun up she is raped and beaten. (Yeah, that’s nearly 12 hours of torture for the concubine.)

The next morning, the Levite looks out to see his concubine on the doorstep, reaching for the threshold of the door. He tries to stir her but she does not respond, she lays there inert. So he takes his concubine, puts her on a donkey, and carries her lifeless body back to his home. When finally he arrives, the man cuts up the concubine, limb by limb, into 12 pieces. He sends these dismembered body parts to all the parts of Isreal.

If you continue on and read the last chapters in Judges, you will come to see the conclusion of the story. But the reason I have brought up this point is to show you what has happened in my life recently.

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Sometimes I just feel like a burden to everyone around me.

I’ll be using Tumblr a whole lot less this semester. So don’t be alarmed when you don’t see me on your dashboard as often. I try to keep my queue updated as much as I can, however, sometimes I just don’t have time. I’ll still be on at the minimum, once a week. So if you send me messages, then I will definitely respond to those as soon as I can.

I’m also pretty inactive on my Facebook account, and I know some of you have added me on there.

Really, the only website that I use on a daily basis is Twitter, simply because it is most convenient. So if you think I’m cool or like my blog and don’t follow me on Twitter, we should change that. (:

@kylescary

Just what exactly is it I’m doing with my life?

I immensely enjoy not using social networking. I had a really great week without it.

I’ve become too dependent on them to fill my time, when I could be doing much more important things. I have a lot of studying to do, because I have exams at the end of the week. Cutting off from my these sites will do me much good, especially right now.  The stress is getting to me, and I’m cutting down so that it might be calmed.

I will leave my phone on, so if you want to give me your numbers to keep in contact, feel free to inbox me them. I’ll be checking my messages until Sunday night, so get them to me before then.

Continue to pray for me, as I continue to pray for all of you. I love you guys. Stay well, and I’ll see you in a week!

I’m tired of feeling so romantic so often. I don’t have anybody and I don’t want anybody and I just wish I wouldn’t feel this way.

Dang emotions.